virtual journal scribbles

I've been trying to write in my journal each day this week, and this night, I'm going to do it via my blog. 

What's foremost on my mind right now is my little Jimmy.  He has a surgery on Monday, and I feel so anxious about it.  He will be getting a bone graft where they will be taking bone from his hip and putting it into his alveolar ridge in his mouth (where he still has a notch/cleft).  Dr. Morales, the boys' surgeon up at Primary Children's in Utah will be once again performing the surgery.  I hear the most painful part of this surgery is his hip.  It will hurt for a while and he will limp for a bit after the surgery.  He also will have to refrain from physical activity for awhile afterward (which will be difficult- he LOVES P.E.), in order to make sure that the graft site is not bumped or injured.

Jimmy is pretty nervous about this surgery.  When we were in the hospital last about a year and a half ago for Jimmy's hard palate, a little girl who had just gotten the bone graft done was in the room next door.  I was friend's with her mom (via the cleft email group), so this little girl came over to meet Jimmy.  Jimmy was a bit scared as he saw her hip was in a lot of pain and her face was pretty bruised up (I guess when they operate on the gum line it bruises up the jaw/mouth area pretty bad).  We saw another girl this past summer who had also had this surgery done and her little face was also bruised.  I think the bruises have scared him more than the limping/painful hip.  He's remembered these 2 little girl's faces and has told me he's scared about his mouth hurting.  I feel so bad for him.

I think the hardest thing about all of this for me is that I won't be there at Primary Children's this time.  James' work has been so generous and as part of the relocation, they are flying James and Jimmy back to Utah for this surgery.  With us trying to save up for this surgery right now, it just isn't feasible for me, and Johnny and Alice to fly out as well.  On top of that, we wouldn't be able to bring Alice up to Primary's anyway (they don't encourage "well" babies to be brought there since there are so many bugs floating around that place).  With me nursing her, it would make it difficult to be up there much anyway I suppose.  So no Fowler Family entourage for this surgery unfortunately. 

I just feel this heart ache though, knowing my child is going to be hurting and crying and needing me and I won't be there.  It makes me break down and cry every time I think of it (I'm crying now).  I think I'll be so sad come Monday.  James has assured me Jimmy will do fine with just "dad".  He's told Jimmy about how they will get to play video games in the hospital (this is the only place Jimmy has ever played video games, so he thinks the hospital is actually someplace to look forward to).  But I just still feel really sad.  This will be the first time I'm not there in the recovery room after surgery.  The first time I can't cradle my hurting child.

A few years ago, we were swarming in surgeries with them ocurring every 6 months or so between both boys. But now, we've had a break (a year and a half break!) where we have been surgery-free.  It has been so nice and so "peaceful".  No post-op regimens, no surgeries to plan our holidays/lives around.  I am grateful for modern medicine and the miracle it has performed thus far on my sons.  However, sometimes I just get so sad that they have to have SO MANY surgeries.  It just sometimes seems like it is never-ending at times. Johnny's next surgery will be next Spring or Summer.

You know, there isn't a morning that goes by that I don't thank Heavenly Father for the health that Alice has.  For the ease of life we experience without having to worry about planning out surgeries and therapies for her.  For the ease of feeding we experience without having to worry about how she is going to learn to feed and talk.  I just still can't get over what an "easy baby" she is.  Don't get me wrong- my boys are worth every bit of effort.  Jimmy and Johnny have taught me so much, brought me so much in terms of joy and growth.  But I do appreciate the ease of life we have experienced with Alice.  And I still feel like I am on cloud 9 or dreaming sometimes though.  It really almost seems too easy to be true (I should also mention that she is just a really easy, laid back baby in general).  She rarely fusses (I can count on one hand how many times she has been inconsolable), is happy just about all of the time, and goes to sleep without crying.

She has started crawling though.  So she may not be so "easy" for long :)  She is very similar to Johnny and Jimmy in that aspect- they were all really early crawlers, and into everything once they got mobile.

Another thing that is really fun is that people stop me ALL THE TIME in stores gawking over what a pretty baby Alice is.  She really is beautiful.  Sometimes I look at her and think "is there any of me in there?" as she has got a lot of James in her.  People are always commenting on her big blue eyes, her big smile and her cute little dimple.  She is so sociable and just smiles and smiles at people.  I'll have people tell me they saw her from afar and couldn't stop looking at her pretty little face.

James is keeping busy with work.  He's doing some fascinating things and working so hard.  This article highlights a lot of James' team's efforts.  This next year is going to be exciting.