on Carol Lynn & Motherhood

 My mom introduced me to Carol Lynn Pearson and her poems when I was just a girl.  On the night I graduated from High School in June of '96, I was given Carol's treasured book called "Picture Window".

 At the time, I remember leafing through the pages, and having maybe one or two poems poke out to me as interesting.  My mom wrote in the front page of the book:
 
 "To Anna, On her high school graduation.  These poems are some of our most favorite.  We hope you'll enjoy and find meaning in them at the various growing seasons in your life.  The ones on pages 38-46 seem to have particular application in your life right now.  Love, Mom and Dad."

After the hype and noise of graduation came and went, I found myself cracking the book open and reading the chapter my mom had highlighted, "Growth and Self-Development".  As my mom had said, many of the poems did indeed ring true to me.  This particular one seemed ever so applicable:

 Independence
I would stay here
Close to roots that fed me
Close to
Cool shelter--
Always close
I would be.
Except, 
I'm afraid.
Have you seen
The pitiful
Small green
That grows 
In shade?

This was the summer after my high school graduation, and I was edging up on an adventure.   Come Fall, I would leave all my family and friends and all that was familiar behind me and begin my freshman year anew at college in Hawaii.  And that was just the beginning.  Two years later, I would ask to go to India on my own, and then later to Taiwan, an island on the other side of the world!

I often think now about how my parents were brave, brave souls.  Braver then I am.  They let their children venture off to all parts of the world solo!  Will I ever be this brave?  Will I ever let Jimmy travel all alone to a different land, Johnny to a different continent, Alice to a different country?  That seems unfathomable right now and to be honest makes me nervous!  Will I ever ease up?  Is it a gradual thing, or does it happen over night?

Right now, I guess you could say I hover.  I stay close.  Keeping a watchful eye to be sure Alice isn't climbing up the bunk bed ladder or swallowing Johnny's lucky red marble.  Trying to make sure that Johnny isn't running too far away from me in the store or riding his bike out of my view down our street.  And daily, counting the minutes, and then making sure that Jimmy makes it on and then off that school bus, and through our front door, home safe and sound.  Eagerly awaiting for his account of all that went on that day.

There is a quote about becoming a mother: "It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body".  And that is so true.  At this season in my life, my mind and my thoughts are constantly intertwined with my kids- their doings, their pleas, their games, their bellies, their cries, their laughs, their bowel movements, their fights, their questions, their kisses and hugs.  They are for the most part, always within my reach (with the exception of Jimmy being a bit of a farther reach now that he is in school), and my heart feels at peace having them so close to me, by my side while they are so young.  I know I must treasure this time while they are young, and willing to stay so close.

 It seems each Mother's Day, I annually find myself thumbing through Carol Lynn Pearson's book.  I dust it off the shelf. I turn to the chapters that are applicable to my new season of life: "Women", "Motherhood, Pregnancy, and birth", and "Parenthood and Child-raising".  Sometimes I'll read the chapters entitled "Life's little lessons", or "Adversity" or "Healing and Comfort".  I love it how Carol Lynn seems to have a witty thought or heartfelt poem for just about every season a woman is faced with in this life.  I know that someday, I will find myself turning to the chapters "Death and beyond" or "Old Age" and nodding my head in agreement at the clever, comforting, and touching words on the page.

Every time I read her poems, I am always so moved.  She has a special way of writing, and it tickles me to think my own mother had these same poems resonate with her young mother heart years ago.  Thank you mom for introducing me to such a beautiful author.  It is through these writing that I am given my own little picture window of your heart and mind as you dealt with birth, with loss, with joy, with sadness, with youth, with age, with wisdom, and with love.  I know now why her poems touched your heart.

I've quoted Carol Lynn's poems before on my blog here, here, and here.

I wish I could write like her.  I wish I could so eloquently and so cleverly put into words my mothering experience.  I feel her poems resonate with exactly what my heart has felt or experienced.   Alas, I am no poet, so I resort once again to folding down corners of the pages of the poems that made my heart smile or my head nod, and then enjoy them once more while I type them out here:  (All Poems below by Carol Lynn Pearson)

Creation Continued

I will continue
To create the universe today
Right where God left off. 

Little pockets of chaos
Somehow survived the ordering
And I feel moved
To move upon them
As in the beginning
The Spirit of God moved
Upon the face of the waters. 

I will move upon my backyard today
And the weeds will be subdued
And the flowers can grow
And it will be good. 

I will move long distance
Upon a broken heart
And leave a little balm
And it will be good. 

I will move upon the hunger of my children
With salad and spaghetti
Which is Emily's favorite
And it will good
And even they will say so.
And I will move too upon their minds,
Leaving a little poem
Or an important thought
And that will be even better
Though they won't say so. 

I will move upon
Birth defects and AIDS
With five and ten dollar checks
To help the scientists
Who are battling the big chaos
And I will move upon world hunger
With a twenty-four dollar check
For little Marilza in Brazil
And it will be good. 

I will move upon
The kitchen floor
And the dirty laundry
And a blank piece of paper
And at the end of the day
Have a little creation to show. 

And the evening and the morning
Are my eighteen thousand
and ninety-sixth day
And tomorrow will start another one.
And here is chaos and there is chaos
And who knows if creation
Will finally be done?

 

The Lesson

Yes, my fretting,
Frowning child,
I could cross
The room to you
More easily.
But I’ve already
Learned to walk,
So I make you
Come to me.

Let go now—
There!
You see?

Oh, remember
This simple lesson,
Child,
And when
In later years
You cry out
With tight fists
And tears

“Oh, help me,
God—please.”

Just listen
And you’ll hear
A silent voice:

I would, child,
I would.
But I know

It’s you,
Not I,
Who needs to grow.”

 

 

 

The Weaning

There is cloth now
Between you
And my breast --
Cloth
And a little pain.

This is the
Beginning.
I take your face
In my hands
and guide your gaze
Away, out there --
To the fruit trees,
To the stars.

My arms,
Though empty,
Fold comfort
To a mother-heart
That yearns for nursing,
Yet knows that weaning
Is the bigger part.

And one more,
 

Mother To Child
Look --
Your little fist
Fits mine
Like the pit
In a plum.

One day
And one size,
These two hands will
Clasp companionably.

Help me, child
Forgive me
When I fail you.
I'm your mother,
True,
But in the end
Merely an older equal
Doing her faltering best
For a dear
Small friend. 

 Happy Mother's Day!